When people meet, fall in love and decide to raise a family, there is usually no doubt in their minds that it is forever. They wish it and will it, that ’till death do you apart’ lives up to its promise. But sometimes, life has a way of murking up carefully laid out plans and forcing us into a kind of life we never wished for.
Divorce isn’t a strange word in the society anymore. At least 5 out of 10 people have been subjected to its pangs one way or the other.
Splitting up with someone you have lived with for a long time could be agonising. The impact can be devastating, not just to the couple but to every member of the the family and it is usually difficult to cope with.
However, it will be interesting to note that, women initiate divorce twice as much as men, according to research but are the ones much severely affected by it.
The effect of divorce on women suggests that women can face quite a tough time after getting divorced especially if they have children, since in most cases they are left solely to fend for themselves and the kids if present, with little help from the man and no help from the government.
But being a divorcee doesn’t mean the end of the world. Certain things happen for certain reasons and it is left for us to learn from our mistakes and strive to be better and wiser.
These are 6 steps you can take to soften the blow of a divorce.
(1) Tell yourself the truth:
Most times, women tend to tell themselves lies after a divorce, especially if it was messy. They say things like, ‘I don’t care what happens to my ex, it’s good riddance!’ ‘I don’t need anyone anymore’ ‘I can never marry again’ ‘I’m happy and free’. It’s not a bad thing to console yourself and draw strength from whatever you can, but allowing the truth to engulf you is usually the first step to healing.
2. Don’t go through it alone. Seek out a support network:
Friends and family can be the perfect therapeutic to snap you out of the misery of divorce and put you back on your feet. Do not hide from them and try to grieve in solitude. Allow them come over for visits. Talk to them. Go for family functions. Let their love and care heal your wounds. If there’s a friend that truly understands and has the right touch, do not be ashamed to cling to the person.
(3) Understand that it is okay to have different feelings:
Anxiety, sadness, anger, frustration are usually the feelings that takes over after a divorce. Allow yourself feel them and never feel there is something wrong with you. Understand that you are human and it is okay to have these feelings. Accept that the feelings will lessen till they become memories.
(4) Rediscover yourself:
You have just come out from a life, where there was every chance you lost a bit of yourself in a bid to make things work. Now that you are back to being alone, fearful and isolated, start doing the things that made you, you, before marriage. Hang out with friends, go partying, read a very good book, go hiking, take up new hobbies or interest, start that catering class you’ve been wanting to take. Do something that will make you feel more of yourself and less of a divorced woman.
(5) Try to shield the kids as much as possible:
It may seem the most logical thing to do at first, to tell the kids what a lying, cheating bastard their father was, but the later effect of such action is usually devastating. Try as much as possible to minimise the effect on the kids and keep things as amicable as possible. When the initial hurt dies, you’ll be grateful for having unscathed kids.
(6) Recognise that it takes two to make or end a marriage:
Do not berate yourself too much neither should you cast all the blames on your ex. Understand that not all marriages will work and the fact that yours didn’t work, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or you are unlucky. Learn from your mistakes, add to your wealth of wisdom and knowledge, and get prepared for another opportunity that will definitely come knocking!